Juneathon day fifteen: bouncy

Today has been a day of two halves. After waking up late, I spent the morning on call at work willing the phone not ring and catching up on some paperwork. The afternoon was spent getting under my mum’s feet and playing pram vs boot at the baby emporium.

I had to pick up something for tea on my way home and was struggling to think of what to fit in for tonight’s Juneathon (I suspected that if I went home, I would sit down and not want to move for the rest of the night). Then it dawned on me that I’ve been carrying round a tesco carrier bag full of gym kit for the last few weeks, the gym is only on the other side of the car park and I could squeeze in a quick half hour before going home.

Unfortunately, the only bit of kit that I was missing was my shuffle so I decided to take this opportunity to observe the narrative arcs of the videos that I normally ignore on the telly (it was some kind of Chart Show Dance thing today).

I was spoiled with the first one (I believe it was Chase and Status – Let You Go). This was some kind of cautionary tale about a Jeremy Kyle-like presenter. It was quite tuneful and there was a proper story. I grew optimistic that the next 27 minutes weren’t going to be too bad.

My optimism was short-lived. I’m not sure what the next one was, but it featured some men with beards who occasionally DJed for lots of nubile young ladies. What did I learn from this one? Miami is a town in which a woman must wear a bikini. Possibly by law. I wanted to lend one of them a cardigan. Or some comfier pants.

The next one. Hmmm. I couldn’t tell you a lot about the music. It appeared to be about a man in a blouson jacket being mesmerised by stuff he encounters; a magically self-playing piano, a mirror ball hanging in the street, some fag ends floating in a urinal… He then gets into a car with a man he doesn’t seem to know (what this is teaching the young people about stranger danger, I have no idea). As a sub-plot, another man buys some beer whilst wearing a hoodie – with the hood up. That would never be allowed to happen in our local Spar.

Next. Something about free-running. Very poor example of road safety involving backflipping across a zebra crossing. Where is the Tufty Club in all this?

Oh god. I didn’t know that it’s possible to lose the will to live in 3 and a half minutes but it is. I say 3 and a half minutes, I have only learned this since coming home, at the time it felt like at least a week. This one involved some very clever, subtle metaphors about, ladies, ahem, bouncing on meat. The man spinning pizzas on his decks (as Ginge later pointed out) looked like he could run a kebab shop, but somehow had ensnared attractive young women to pogo up and down on kebabs whilst only wearing their skimpies. The tune was less of a tune and more like industrial noise (at one point I was genuinely concerned that the air-con had broken). It was all hideous. I spent those three and a half minutes veering somewhere between Germaine Greer and a spluttering retired colonel. I suspect that I am not the target audience for this type of thing (google “laidback luke feat. majestic” if you’re intrigued).

After all that the Technicolor bouncing that was seered onto my retinas, the next one was nice and muted and featured two men driving through the desert in convertibles. Despite apparently owning a convertible, one of the men seemed to like singing in front of a caravan and yet at no point did we get to see him towing his caravan. I felt that this was a missed opportunity. There was yet more poor road safety as one of them drove across some train tracks, narrowly avoiding an oncoming locomotive.

Daft Punk. Blessed relief. I decided to go out on a high.

Overall I have learned that today’s music videos mainly centre around breasts and poor road safety. I also learned that going from my usual tunes and Radio 4 requires a more gentle transition that this. Or not at all. Oh, and that being no oil painting (or at least being a somewhat abstract oil painting) is no barrier to men being surrounded by surgically-enhanced lovelies clad in a few brief square inches of fabric.

Oh and I did 30 minutes of cardio to distract from the pain.

Tonight's tea seemed like a suitable illustration after the evening's viewing...

Tonight’s tea seemed like a suitable illustration after the evening’s viewing…